Appearances

Recently, the girls and I ran an errand to Target or the supermarket or somewhere. With my brain, it's hard to remember where we were exactly. I just recall the moment we checked out with the cashier.

As we faced the clerk, a rather large man passed through the next check-out line. Valerie's eyes grew large and her mouth fell open. Her thoughts spewed out of her mouth, "Mommy, that man is SOOOO BIG!"

I cringed. Of course, everyone knows that young children say things like this. Parents try to anticipate such embarrassing moments by discussing manners at less embarrassing moments. Despite the awkwardness of the moment, I opportunistically used the moment for educational purposes.

I agree, it was a fact that the man was large. Some people would note positively that my daughter was speaking the truth.

However, in that split second, I stated in a normal voice, "Honey, in our culture we do not discuss people's appearances. It's just not nice." Then, I let it go.

It seems, many adults in our society have not learned this lesson in our society. I remember during my pregnancies the incessant questions and comments of a couple of grown-ups: "How much WEIGHT have you gained?" "You're looking awfully rotund!" "You shouldn't eat that (string cheese and a granola bar) because you'll get FAT!" Typically, I am a petite woman. When I heard these comments, my feeling were interminably hurt and the relationships are probably irreparable. But then, my hormones raged during those nine months and I was certainly oversensitive. Regardless, I will never forget the insensitivity of the comments. In our culture, it is just plain rude to comment on the way others look.

Once in the car, I asked Valerie, "How would you feel if I told you that you looked too big?"

Valerie: Bad

Me: How would you feel if I said that you looked too small or skinny?

Valerie: Sad

Me: How do you think that man felt when he heard you say that he was "SOOOO BIG"?

Valerie: He felt bad.

Me: Maybe you should keep thoughts about the way others look to yourself. I feel really bad for that man right now.

And by the look on her face, she felt bad, too.

Sometimes, I feel like I'm speaking to a brick wall. I just hope that if I repeat myself enough, something might sink into my daughters' heads.