Judgement Day

I'm to the point in life where I can lump the subject of motherhood with the controversial topics of relgion and politics. Generally, when people talk about such subjects, everyone seems to have a righteous opinion.

At some point in friendships, the question arises, "What religion are you?" Many people are pretty even keeled and open to differing points of view, but I always feel awkward around those that think I should believe abc or should not believe xyz. Encounters with faithful evangelists who hope to convert the average sinner are just as uncomfortable as brushes with atheists who ridicule the inferior. Most of us fall-out somewhere in the middle and don't want to be judged for the way we live our lives.

So far, motherhood is quite similar. Everyone has an opinion, beginning with pregnancy: You gained HOW much weight? In my time, blah blah blah. Bedrest? Oh, you're just a wimp. When your baby is born, the advice and judgements triple: Put him in his OWN crib! Children are better adjusted if you co-sleep! Ewe, you're using FORMULA? Brestfeeding is just so, you know.... dirty! You know, parents really SHOULD stay home with their babies. What a WASTE your education was, eh? Turning to the toddler years, the opinions multiply: She's STILL wearing diapers? I wouldn't put up with behavior like that. You don't take her to music class? I believe children these days need more downtime.

Moms are all different. We don't have to agree on what is best, but I believe each of us thinks we are doing what's best for our own children. You don't live in my house and I don't live in your house, so why do we judge each other and tell each other what to do? Apparently, that's the nature of being a mom - everyone is an expert!

Why do I bring this up? Well, I am part of an organization called Mothers and More. This is a national non-profit organization which offers support to mothers. The main purpose is to support mothers transitioning in and out of the workforce and to help moms find more balance in their lives. In my local chapter I have met some really great women who have extremely interesting backgrounds. Living in a new area without a lot of friends and family and having been a part of four different mothers groups, this group has become my refuge.

I volunteered to be the project manager of the 2005 national Mother's Day Campaign. This year's campaign relates to the time mothers spend performing caregiving work. Part of this campaign includes a blog of fifteen women who have agreed to write about their unique stories of motherhood and the time it takes to care for their families.

Today, the Mothers and More blog received an accusatory comment that the blogger participants should be "ashamed of themselves for whining and not enjoying the little (sometimes unpleasant) things of motherhood.... Stop whining about being 'taken for granted' by your husbands and children and start ENJOYING them!!"

It's comments like these that are judgemental and devisive among mothers and do no one any good. The purpose of Mothers & More and the M&M Campaign blog is to bring awareness to the general public about issues affecting ALL mothers and for mothers to share their feelings - good or bad.

Some moms think motherhood is as romantic as they imagined. Some mothers have more positive feelings than negative feelings about motherhood. For some, motherhood is disappointing or frustrating. For those that need help coping or that feel isolated, Mothers and More is a great support organization. Whether feelings are positive or negative, all of it is a reality and it doesn't make any of our feelings right or wrong.

The point of the blog is for moms to share their TRUE feelings. If we ONLY focus on the positive, would that get us anywhere? Or would we feel that our negative feelings are wrong? I think the shame accuser is still on her path to discovering the ups and downs of motherhood. She's not wrong in that moms should appreciate their children and spouses. But, she is wrong to assume that other moms take their kids and husbands for granted and that we SHOULD be ashamed for how we feel when we do lament about a particularly tough day.

Why write about this on a blog about my children? Because children (hopefully not mine) are affected by the unrequested advice and caustic judgements friends and family make. Kids always hear the comments. Arrogant opinions cause parents to feel inadequate and kids become the victims. Young children idolize their parents. Kids also feel a sense of shame when their parents feel deficient. Unsolicited judgements really do no one any good, when we're all trying to do what we think is best. Perhaps opinionators are hoping to validate their own actions with their harsh judgements, but it's hard to consider such a possibility when mothers are perpetually seen as flawed.

So, please - you worry about your house and I'll worry about mine!